On awe

How I try to let in the beauty and truly see

Hello, my dear reader,

Hope my dispatch will find you in good health and you have a bright spring mood.

Here spring has come to the village, and every day I think that I cannot take in any more awe and admiration. It is quite bizarre to keep in mind both my gratitude of being in the village and the actual reason we are here.

I allow myself to enjoy the beauty of landscape, spring flowers, play of sunlight on the wall. I don’t say our life is a absolute paradise here, we have our own bucket of trouble, of course.

There is a bird singing in the tree. I hear the song. Most probably it is a dove and a blackbird. I see the sun beams on the wall of our back porch. Shadows of leaves make beautiful pattern on the wall. There is a faint chainsaw noise at the background. I feel cool air on my knees. The smell is delicious, everything blooms and it rained at night. I love the smell of wet soil. Poppies are everywhere. I make too many pictures of those. Swallows are back to their nest near our front door.

Each moment comes and goes and I try to really live through them.

This quote from May Sarton hit home, as her words often do for me.

“I always forget how important the empty days are, how important it may be sometimes not to expect to produce anything, even a few lines in a journal. A day when one has not pushed oneself to the limit seems a damaged damaging day, a sinful day. Not so! The most valuable thing one can do for the psyche, occasionally, is to let it rest, wander, live in the changing light of a room.” - May Sarton

Those empty days are needed indeed. Why is it so hard to just let oneself do nothing for the whole day? Just mindless chilling, no agenda whatsoever. I would love to try it.

I read too many news though. If feels like I have no right to look away. And I read history books, trying to find answers and understand. Recently I listened to the short audio from Karl Sagan about a small blue dot (which is our planet). One YouTuber that I like said that it helps him to lessen his anxiety. It helps me too. And the place where I live now helps as well. Beauty of the world reminds me that it is still here, at the same moment when ugly of the world tries to devour everything.

It took me a month to write this. I ask myself all the time - what is the value of what I send you? I have a very strong tendency to belittle myself. So I guess, this is my work to fight it off. What I actually do here is trying to show myself (and you) that searching for right words takes time.

Actually I have some interesting things to tell you and I will try to come up with the right choice of words quicker this time. Meanwhile I would love to ask you what brings you the most joy now? Books? Songs? Places? People? Give me some details, if you will.

As usual below is what brought me joy,

I send you my love,

Vera

What am I enjoying now?

• The Secret History by Donna Tartt

This book is something. I bet there is a ton of accolades done to it, but I will add my 5 cents. My life is so embarrassing and overwhelming now, that diving into the book feels so so so peaceful even if the content of it is troublesome at times. Tartt’s writing style is impeccable and she writes amazingly believable characters.

• Karl Sagan - Pale Blue dot video

It really moved and soothed me. I can imagine it can easily induce anxiety though, so watch it if you tend to be rather inspired by such things, not depressed.

• Video essay from Jared Handerson

It was the best video to soak into at the moment when meaning of life is receding a bit. I love most of Jared’s videos though, many of them are about books.