On acceptance of one’s own limits

which is actually a good thing that brings peace

(me preparing to swim in the Arctic Ocean)

Hola, dear reader,

long time has passed since I wrote to you and you read me.

How was your summer? And how is autumn treating you?

The whole summer to be precise, my latest dispatch was from the 5th of June, and then rollercoaster of summer life and heat fell on me and I took a break from internet presence. I noticed that I reached my limit, and allowed myself to dissapear. Which felt so good.

I noticed quite a few people joining these chronicles mostly from my dear friend Kriksis substack. I welcome you and I hope you like it here. And I would love to congratulate Kris on her Kickstarter success and if you have any doubts about your own projects and ideas - go and watch her videos. I was lucky to witness her start. We actually started a YouTube together, I had to step down from the journey due to immigrations and full-time work, but she moved on and - oh boi - she shines now. Long hours and a lot of patience quite often pay off. So I wish us all to keep on going.

In this dispatch I would love to talk about the expectations, normalize the overwhelm a bit and how to kinda stop (at least sometimes). I had very intense summer. My kid had 2 months of holidays, and I had to take in consideration his wishes and also forget about me-time and silence for most of the season. Besides summer is hot season in book industry, as publishing houses are sending autumnal and pre-Christmas books to print. I created a lot of letterings for books that will be published in autumn - the highest selling season. Also I traveled to my home country to meet my family and friends, connect with nature, explore my roots (as dark as they are) and to experience north. To do it I had to almost quit publishing anything. I did not write a single dispatch here, I did not publish YouTube videos, I had to send my sketchclub to the summer hiatus, I also did not watch much YouTube and I deleted Instagram from my phone (this last one was easy to be honest, as Instagram is blocked in Russia, so I didn’t want to bother with VPNs and I did not want to publish anything anyways).

At times this summer was even almost too much. I felt shaken a lot, I questioned the purpose of civilization and humanity, I marveled at the power of the North, I was very angry at politicians and how they fail citizens of any state. I felt afraid for the loss of nature. Oh, yes, full blown existential crisis hit me hard into my face. I don’t really know how to talk about a lot of things yet, but I am trying my best.

After this summer I mostly wanted to sit in front of my computer and write, edit and paint and share what I hold inside of me. This is exactly what I am doing right now. I am trying to fall less for the lure of society. To go out less. To spend more hours working and utilizing my skills and ideas.

It doesn’t always work to be honest. I’d say that I even maybe failed this plan.

I don’t know about you, but I am cursed with extroversive nature of mine. It eases some things in a modern world, yes, but it brings so much overbooking that I just cannot comprehend at some point. And just stop. I am very eager to jump into commitment or into some action. Because it excites me, but only later I realize that there is actually no mental space for that.

It is curious though that my closest friends are either introverted, highly sensitive, ADHD or/and on the autistic spectrum. As if my need is to be close to people who can help me to slow down, to calm. It is not that I am saying that I wish to have their live. Living as a neurodivergent person is very hard in the modern world (in the olde days too, possibly?), and I recognize their struggle. But I learn so much and I feel supported and loved. And I try to give as much support as I can myself.

People who inspire me are often calm. Kris art challenge she came up with instead of inktober is called Calmtober. Louise Stigell marketing approach is called Calm Marketing. Do you see the pattern here? I am trying to slow myself down, because I go from slow speed to 100+ in 3, 2, 1… At the same time I have a huge reservoir for social connection. I can do conventions, I can host events, I can talk while I draw, I generally can listen and talk for many hours in a row. And I quite like it, it is not that I complain. But I tend to forget that after my huge reservoir gets empty on social energy, I need to lay low. But it is easier said then done, because the next social events are coming and I am running on fumes.

So let’s say I am learning, I know better now how I operate and what are my limits. I cancel the approach of unlimited anything. And it feels nice.

If there is any commitment that I want to take till the end of the year - is being back on YouTube. The plan is to publish one video a week and I am on my third week of success with this plan.

Two recent videos are these:

The process video.

My mumble talk on my fav books from my library.

Subscribe if you love what I do, and support my work with buymeacoffee if you feel comfortable doing so.

What caught my curiosity lately?

• It was the greatest pleasure for me to discover Josh Radnor substack and to read how he writes about all the obscure and morbid stuff that I am also interested in. After a friend sent me the link, I made very complicated math of who Josh Radnor is and then sent the link to my husband. For him HIMYM was one of formative pieces of pop-culture and I remember how shocked he was that I did not see any and we watched some at the very sweet start of our love journey back 12 (oh shit) years ago.

DISCOMFORT IS THE DOORWAY

• England's Hidden Reverse: A Secret History of the Esoteric Underground by David Keenan

I am almost done with this book on the British underground. I listened to some of these many years ago, but did not know much about these bands. I also did not know half of titles. It fascinates me that we people can be so absorbed in the creation and in our quest to understand what the world really is.

• October means Over the garden wall songs but what if it is in Spanish.

• I am on my weird and wild comeback to the universe of Warhammer 40k, learning the lore and laughing a lot at the immensity and absolute over-power. I wish this whole IP was more human friendly and had more women characters, but then it won’t be itself I guess. I watched this indie animation short story based on the W40k world, and as far as I understood it is a love labor of 4 years for a very passionate fan. He had some help with sound and music, but otherwise he did most of it all himself.

Thank you for reading me,

see you soon!

Vera