Change really takes time

On the importance of crying and further slowing down

Hello, dear reader,

it makes me immensely happy that you still read me and that I saw some new names joining up the list.

It is two weeks since I moved to Spain. It is a bit early to talk if we succeeded at it or not, so cross your fingers for us. I will give you the whole story later, here is a promise. Now I can definitely talk about the emotional journey that is happening besides all the bureaucratic process.

Overview of Turunç from where we lived

I have read the quotation “crying is my superpower” at Andrea Gibson site recently. And for the last month it was like that for me. I decided to google further and found this post at Substack from Andrea. And it really spoke to me so much. The whole text is for paid subscribers, but even the beginning is revelatory.

I’m just getting over a bad cold. One night, around 2am when I couldn’t stop hacking, I Googled “how to stop coughing” and it autofilled to “how to stop crying.” The fact that millions of people search “how to stop crying” every day makes me want to wrap my arms around the whole world. Makes me feel relentlessly tender about what it is to be a human being.

The idea that we need to hide tears, to play cool, to not show our tender and vulnerable parts is so cruel. I try to cry when I feel like. We allow and even encourage our son to cry as much as he needs. Because here at least women have a better position, as girls are allowed to cry. Boys not so much.

I don’t know how it is for you, dear reader, I hope you are a stellar cryer. If not, never late to learn and join me. I decided to give myself a title of “ambassador of tears”. Because why not.

A year in Turunç photo series

As I told you in the previous dispatch, before leaving Turunç I made portraits of people for the photo album for me and for my family to remember all the kindness, love and support that we received in the village.

Şenol Özdemir at the Yalı Sea Club

Here is the link to the album with captions. This project broke my heart really, but I did not let my spirit be broken (another quote I loved from Andrea Gibson). I know that it made a few people cry as well, so I consider that my goal is reached.

This is what I wrote in the preface:

In 2022 I moved to the seaside village with unusual (back then) name Turunç. Which means "bitter orange" in Turkish. I knew nothing about the place, except our friends were there and they liked it and they persuaded us to join them after another gruesome turn of the political wheel.

Who knew that this place and, what's more important, its people will grow on us. And when we had to make a hard decision to leave because we could not prolong our residency, I realised that this place really became my home.

Me, my partner, our son and our friends spent a very special time here. We felt loved, cared for and accepted.

We made connections, played music, painted walls, swam in the sea, hiked mountains, drank tea at the waterfalls, collected stones. One day I had an idea that I would love to create an album of portraits of people who were kind to my family. I am sure my son will remember this feeling of love, but he will eventually forget faces, as he is not even 7 now. I also am sure, we will be back this way or another. And this album is a statement of sorts. This year was not something I would love to forget easily and get into the life of a new place. So for my son, for myself and others, I create this series of faces of Turunç. With my greatest gratitude, love and hope to be back one day.

Ali Fidan at the Fidan bar

Withstanding change

Withstanding change is very complex, there is no one moment, the Moment, and then you are okay. I thought earlier that there is such moment, not anymore. Everything is happening simultaneously. It goes in waves, sometimes it is harder, sometimes easier. A friend gave me a book which is called Transitions by William and Susan Bridges, and I peeked inside of it. Immediately I got an insight, authors of the book state that any change, any beginning is actually starting with an end. End of something is foundation of the next period. And then follows by the liminal space - they call it the neutral zone. And only then goes the beginning.

There is a certain tendency to munch the end and to jump over into the beginning. There is very little reflection here. But it is very logical, as reflecting might be quite painful. And life urges a person to go on as if what happened in the past is left there. I will read this book for sure now, as it seems to me a valuable read.

Musti’s boat day trip

Why do I film?

As I am going through waves of emotions and processing that we left Turunç, there will be a series of videos on my channel which I filmed, but did not edit. At some point of time, I quitted editing, as I was too eager to do as much as I could before leaving. Now I have all those filmed pieces that I can work with and wrap my sadness with joy of remembering.

With this video I decided to do a small experiment which I wanted to do for a long time - doing a narration over the video. I hope you will like it. I scripted the whole text and it was quite interesting to do. Long, but interesting. Also music is by my friend Matthew and I got help with recording and editing sound from my friend Natasha. Collaboration is love.

What am I enjoying now?

• Kazuo Oga Painting in Poster Color Ghibli Studio Anime Background

Seeing not only the process, but also the surroundings of Kazuo Oga is precious. Weirdly enough certain places looked both liked Turunç or Torredembarra.

• This an amazing and weird piece of audio with poems and bird sounds. I am not sure that I really get it all in all, but I love to listen to it from to time.

• Amazing essay on Octavia Butler’s approach to writing at the Marginalian

  Forget about talent, whether or not you have any. Because it doesn’t really matter. I mean, I have a relative who is extremely gifted musically, but chooses not to play music for a living. It is her pleasure, but it is not her living. And it could have been. She’s gifted; she’s been doing it ever since she was a small child and everyone has always been impressed with her. On the other hand, I don’t feel that I have any particular literary talent at all. It was what I wanted to do, and I followed what I wanted to do, as opposed to getting a job doing something that would make more money, but it would make me miserable.

Thank you so much for reading me,

as always - no actions are need to be taken, but subscriptions and comments are welcome and appreciated <3

V.